Yes...I know it's been a month since I last posted on this blog. For some reason, blogging has fallen to a lower place on my list of things to do each day. We've been busy plugging away at homeschooling, going to speech therapy, church stuff, and just life in general has felt busy. The pregnancy is going pretty well. The baby is healthy, Praise God! But the dreaded heart burn has kicked in. Seriously, this baby must be as hairy as Esau because I've never had it this bad! But I'm looking forward to meeting this new little member of our family. We aren't going to find out what it is...I figure I may need a little more motivation in the labor and delivery room!
The title of this blog is in reference to something I've been learning about myself lately. My cousin, Shar got to hear an earful of it this past weekend (thanks for listening!).
You know what I've realized? I am NOT good at this thing called being a mom. I'm not joking. I am not trying to sound humble. I'm being painfully honest.
Before I had children, I would watch other moms and see ways they could be doing better or I'd see really great moms and think, "that's what I'm going to be like". I think I had heard that being a mom was hard but in my prideful heart, I thought it would come easy and naturally for me because I had a good role model in my Mom.
Since having my own little kids, I have become painfully aware of my deficiencies. I am not a patient person. I am easily irritated. I haven't figured out how to always discipline in a calm manor. I am selfish and would often rather do my thing than be a better mom. When my kids act out in public I am more concerned about what people think of me than what this attitude displayed in my kids means in their life. When I got pregnant this time, I was upset because it meant I was going to be getting even more overweight...a heart of selfishness.
And yet, I have told myself, I just need to read the right book, or try harder and I will do a better job at being a Mom.
In the last few months, God has been slowly opening my eyes to my utter and desperate need for Him. I feel like He has been gently but firmly prying my hands free of the reins. It's like He's saying, "Rebekah, admit it, you are not good at being a mom...you can't do this if you're the one holding the reins!"
Man, it hurts! I hate having to admit that I am not naturally good at mothering. I hate going to bed at night feeling like I may have wounded my kids' spirits that day in a way that will affect their lives. I hate feeling like I am a failure at the most important job I've been called to.
But you know...I think it's the only way God would have gotten me to a place where I say, "I NEED YOU!!! God! I NEED You! I cannot do this! My kids are too precious to not do this job well. But I can't do it well without You teaching me how to do it. Like the hymn says, 'I need You EVERY hour'. Help me!" This was the cry of my heart as I wept by my bed the other day...a day when I hollered at my kids more than I didn't.
It's humbling to have to admit my need...but I am so comforted knowing that my dear Father in heaven is the One who fills my need. His wisdom will be enough. His grace will sustain me. I just pray that God will continue to draw me each day to my knees and remind me that I need Him in all the moments of my days. I don't just need His help...I need Him to lead the way and guide my every move, my words, my thoughts, my every interaction.
Oh Father, thank You that You hear my cry!
22 comments:
Oh, Rebekah, how I can relate - only mine is "I don't know how to be the wife my husband needs." I had all the same thoughts - I would know how to be good at this and could see where others could do it better - when I was single. I have had to cry the same heart-prayer over and over - "Lord, I don't know how to do this - I need you so desperately." And, as you said, I guess that's right where he wants my heart to be. Oh, so painful though.
I love you, Honey. I've been so lonesome for all of you lately.
Love,
Aunt Pam
I should add that Elliot never makes me feel that I'm not being the wife he needs...not at all! He is just the opposite - very appreciative. It's just that I see my inadequacies so often and wish I could do so much better.
Aunt Pam
i love how you share your heart. i loved listening to you, and wish i could have more.
I think you shared so much what so many of us can feel today Rebekah. It actually reminds me alot of my prayers during my quiet time today (and many days lately)- just crying out to God to give me the STAMINA : ), wisdom, patience and self-control that I need every moment of every day it seems as a mom lately.
A specific that you shared, that's been my cry as well, has been to have a more controlled response to Ava's constant pushing and stepping over boundaries. I told Ryan I want her to learn more, better, than what I've shown her. I want her to see what grace is . ..along with the discipline.
It's exhausting isn't it? - having our kids show us how utterly inept we are on our own!
so be encouraged that there are many of us there with you. I've always admired your ability to be intentional as a mom. I've always felt you've really tried to make your family and kids a priority and it's evident in their lives. So thanks for your example to me in that.
So all of this? "I am selfish and would often rather do my thing than be a better mom. When my kids act out in public I am more concerned about what people think of me than what this attitude displayed in my kids means in their life. When I got pregnant this time, I was upset because it meant I was going to be getting even more overweight...a heart of selfishness. " When it hits tomorrow, pray for ME . . .as I'll be thinking of you as I lay the same things before God in my own life.
enough of a book, just thanks. : )
Thanks for your heart...I think knowing you can't do it on your own means you ARE indeed a good mom and you've got wisdom to pass along. Keep your chin up and don't forget the children are the most forgiving of all little creatures if we ask them. I always tell my kids they don't respect me for being an all the time good mommy...I can't be. They must because God has put me in this role of leadership in their lives so they learn to respect His authority. It's ok to mess up if we can just admit it to our sweet little ones...and boy have I had to do it.
Thanks again for sharing.
An
Hi Rebekah,
I just want to encourage you that first of all, there are no perfect moms. I remember someone saying (when I was a young mom) that if you get everything else wrong, but truly love your children, that it is hard to mess up too badly. I took great encouragement from that:)
Keep in mind that you are molding them little by little. Isaiah says, "Line upon line, precept upon precept, here a little, there a little". I think those words can apply to raising children, too. You don't have to raise a child in a day. You have years to mold and shape and strengthen them in their faith, in their behavior, and in their character.
Thanks for sharing your heart. You are doing a wonderful work.
Love,
Marla R.
Bek, you are always so sincere and I am grateful that I can learn and glean from your wisdom. :) love you
Rest assured dear friend you are not alone. Being a mom has pointed out my need for a Saviour more than anything else in my life.
I am so thankful his mercies are new every morning and that he loves my kids more than I do. He is looking out for them and pursing them in spite of their imperfect often grumpy mommy!
Love you friend!
Hi, Bekah. This is one of the things I love about you: While I've been busy filling my blog with all sorts of silly nothings, you go away for a month and then come back with a post full of depth. I am right there with you on this one. For the past several nights I have cried after my kiddos went to bed, or at least had the most awful sinking feeling, dreading hte morning when it would start all over again. I love having them, seeing them, spending time with them, watching them grow, but I loath my own inadequacies to handle them with love and grace when the stress and pressure mounts. I would love to call and talk with you about this today. Please know that no matter the inadequacies you may have, your children are still very very blessed to be parented by you. You are a wonderful woman and an amazing example. They are already showing so many of your good qualities, and if they continue to grow into people like you and Matt, they will be successful and will be blessings to the people in their lives. Take heart!
I'll phone you later.
Love,
Carmen
I think you just wrote out in words every feeling, thought and prayer I've felt over the last couple months. I totally echo every word you said! I am so there right now!
Thank you for sharing. I think it's easy to see other moms and think they have it all together. It's an encouragement to me to realize I'm not the only one that struggles as a mom and that other people are a "work in progress" as well.
Thanks Rebekah. :)
I feel like you tore a page out of my journal and typed it up here.
Bek, I love you and and so thankful for your friendship and for being honest for the rest of us. Now I just feel like hanging out with you on this cold day with a cup of coffee...chatting about struggles, encouraging each other, ect...
Although, I'm not much of a blogger or e-mailer these days, Cherise linked me to your recent post. Thanks for being so real to everyone. You said it so good--what goes through my heart and mind each and every day. Thanks for ministering through your authenticity!! I appreciated every word you wrote and was a little more motivated to deal w/ "life in the trenches". Thanks for the reminders...
Shalome Hoffman
Dear Rebekah,
We love you so much and think you are a wonderful mom. You are way too hard on yourself. I used to feel so ashamed of how I treated my kids too. But Matt doesn't have too many scars does he? My sweet mom used to say you kids don't listen unless I yell. And it was the truth. We didn't.
Motherhood is the hardest job you will ever have. But the reward in the end (many years from now) is so great.
If you can continue to stay close to the Lord and trust Him, He will give you the grace you need for the moment. And remember Dad and I are lifting you up continually in prayer.
Lots of love and prayers,
Mom K
Thanks for your honesty and encouraging words, Rebekah! I have been struggling with the exact same issues. God showed me Isaiah 30:15 and 18 the other night to remind me he needs to have control or I will never parent my kids the way He wants me to. And more than that, He reminded me I need to continually ask for His help; I cannot do this by myself and He doesn't want me to do this by myself! (Plus I also tell myself that my kids aren't as bothered by my failures as I am....I'm sure my mom was harder on herself than I was.) Hope you have a great weekend! :)
~Penny (Geyer)Araujo
(I found your blog awhile ago and love it. You and your sisters are so incredibly creative and talented! Your mom would be so proud of you guys! :)
Hey Bek... congrats on your pregnancy! I heard recently that we compare our worst attributes to other's best attributes.. interesting huh? I know that we all have insecurities in different areas, but I have some interesting philosophy on caring about what other mothers think "in the moment". Luca is 2 1/2 & lately throwing large tantrums mostly only in public ;). I often think that the other moms receive a better day because they are thankful they are doing a better job than I at that moment & that is okay, because they do not know & I am glad they can have a better day ;). I see all of your activities that you do as a mother and the children will remember these for years. Praying for peace for you. Love, J
Wow Rebekah - thanks for sharing this. I too have just recently seen my SIN of pride. The fact that I too often think of ME and am not in the habit of praying as much for others. It does hurt...like tearing, shredding of the ego, letting GO of me is painful but I'm clinging that the Lord calls us to this because He knows that in our desparate need for Him, we will find ultimate peace and freedom!
I love you and SO appreciate your honesty!
And by the way - I'm writing to you as my son screams for me just after waking up. I obviously have MUCH work to do on the mothering side as well! :) I will go get him now...
Rebekah,
Thank you for sharing your struggles with this fellow mom via your blog! I relate in most all of what you said and it is humbling. My mother seemed to be the most patient being on earth and I too thought I would be just like her. Now, I am number nine in a family with seven boys so she may have just learned a little bit before I was born, but still! God is TRYING to mold and shape me as well through my rolls as a mom and a wife. I am thankful each time I can recognize this and submit. It sure isn't easy, but I am thankful for other Christian women who are traveling this journey as well! Wishing you His peace and strength through a stressful time! We started homeschooling too this fall and it is a challenge, but those times that her light bulb goes on are so worth it! For what it is worth, you seem to be a wonderful mom!
This is growing in Grace... this desperation and acute awareness of our need is so Glorifying to God!
Two quotes and a book...
"You do not need to be disciplined, you need to be desperate" - Lynn H.
"God is most glorified by us when we are the most satisfied in HIm" - John Piper
Book- From Fear to Freedom, Rose Marie Miller (don't let the title scare you off...It has to do with much more than fear, it is a small but powerful book. Strongly recommended).
Obviously I know nothing about being a mom, however I do know it seems like the hardest job in the world. I wanted to adopt a puppy a few months ago, but I don't even think I would be responsible for that.
However I did watch my mom raise us, and she is an amazing mother. I think she knew what she was doing, because all five kids in our family have turned out reasonable normal, and we are making positive contributions to the world.
My point is that your kids will forget or forgive all of your mistakes if you show them the love you feel for them every second of their lives. That is what my mom did.
Bek,
i agree you are too hard on yourself. :) you have a family i would dream of having myself in the future. I love your little ones and have never enjoyed babysitting mroe than when it was with my precious little cousins :)
love you so much!
-kait
Bek-
This was such an encouraging post. :) I mean, because I view you as a wonderful, caring Mom. I too feel SO inadequate as a mom. I just told Stu last night, "Honey, I'm not good at this Mom thing. I'm too uptight. I get stressed out way too easily, and I care WAY too much about what people are thinking instead of keeping my eyes on the Lord and how He's leading and guiding us in regards to different situations with Creed, and it's only His thoughts that matter." So, needless to say, reading this this morning made me relax instantly. I'm not alone. This is a normal feeling, AND if you feel this, in light of how I view you as a mom, maybe I'm better at this mom thing than I feel? :) Love you.
Such a beautiful post...and heart!!! And man, I'm there right with you too. It's so refreshing to come across such honest transparency.
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