Whose Fault Is It?

This past weekend I was sharing this with a dear friend and felt like I should write it down...and to once again thank God for His kindness to me.

It's been about a year since I shared here about Josh and Darci's diagnosis of atypical autism. As I look back on this past year, I am so thankful for where God has brought them and us. I see improvement in them and I am so thankful for their therapists at Easter Seals and for all the other people who have invested in their lives. We've been so blessed to live in a community with such a strong support...not only at Easter Seals, but with our family, church and neighbors.

Day to day, I feel like I do ok with it and can think with hope for their futures. But there are times when I begin to feel weighed down with guilt. I don't know if it's common with other moms with autism, but I feel like guilt is something I've dealt with more than anything when it comes to my kids' diagnosis. Guilt because we don't know what causes autism. So, every time I read something that people think could have caused autism, I begin to wonder if that is what caused it and then I feel guilty. It started with feeling guilty about the fact that I had gotten them immunized. Maybe if I hadn't done that, they would have been fine... Then I wondered if it was because they have sugar in their diet. Is that what caused this? Then I wondered if it was because I didn't read and talk to them enough when they were babies. Did I ruin their future because of my lack of talking around the house? Is it just my genes?

You can see how my mind can begin to feel oppressed with guilt...

Well, the latest came when I read an article in a parenting magazine that was telling of all the things wrong with plastic food containers. Immediately I began to picture all the times my kids have drunk from sippie cups that probably weren't BPA free...their bottles? How many times did I heat up food in a Ziploc container?? Were their passies a harmful plastic?

For days, I struggled with guilt...had I caused my kids to have atypical autism because I had not been aware of the harmful chemicals that can be in plastic?

Then, one evening I was listening to a program on the radio with a father and his son who has a special need. The father began to share how some times parents can feel like it's somehow their fault that their kids have special needs. He then told the story in the Bible when Jesus was walking by and saw a young man who had blind since birth. When His disciples saw him they asked Him, "Master, who sinned? this man or his parents that he was born blind?"

I suddenly felt like I was standing there waiting for Jesus to pronounce His judgement on me and my mothering. And then Jesus answered them and me, "neither this man nor his parents sinned....but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life." In that moment I felt like God just lifted the weight of that needless guilt off of my shoulders. He had to remind me that He designed them with His glory in mind. It wasn't an accident. He knew He would be most glorified in their lives with atypical autism. And if He designed them, He will gently lead them through this hard world to magnify Him to others.

It was such a gentle reminder from my Father and I wanted to glorify Him.

-Bek