I haven't posted much recently because a couple weeks ago our computer harddrive crashed and we lost everything on it! This included all my pictures I had taken in the last year and a half. That, I think, was my biggest sadness about it all. Thankfully I have some of them on a few places on the internet where I should be able to retrieve them.
Losing things that are irretrievable can be one of the most helpless feelings. When the computer repair man called and told me the bad news, it made me think of the other thing I've lost that I will always regret. When I was engaged and first married to Matt, my Mom and I wrote several e-mails back and forth. She wrote to me advice and just some sweet notes that I loved. I had printed them off at one time to save and they got lost. So, when I went back to my old account to retrieve them I was devastated to find that all my e-mails had been erased and could not be retrieved. I think that's the first time I've cried about losing something besides a person.
There have been so many times I have wanted to pick up a phone and call my mom and ask her for advice, to hear her laugh, to just chat about what my kids are doing, to hear her call me "bekah dolly" again, just to hear her sigh, most of all to tell her I love her again. I think that's why losing those e-mails was so devastating...it was just another way I had lost touch with my Mom.
This past weekend I went out alone to her grave (Matt graciously stayed home with the kiddos) to put new flowers on her the grave stone. I think it's the first time I've been out there alone in a very long time. Usually Josh and Darci are taring around the cemetary and I have to chase after them and haul back to the van in a hurry. So, it was nice to be able to sit by her grave quietly for awhile. I don't think my Mom probably hears anything I say here but I just had to tell her one more time how thankful I was that she was my Mom. I wanted to say how thankful I was that she was who she was. I was thankful as I sat there that we were so close and that she was such a dear friend...not just my mom. I was thankful knowing that if she had been there with me, I could have cried with her and not felt strange. I was thankful that my relationship goes beyond the missing e-mails. I was most thankful that she loved Jesus and that because of her faith in Him I will see her again someday. The loss and the aching will be swept away forever. I will never miss her again. I won't be wishing I was going to her home for Thanksgiving. We will be Home together.
I'm sorry for being such a sap. I just needed to write it out. This Thanksgiving, if you have your Mom, make a special effort to tell her how much you love her and how thankful you are that she is your mother. You don't have to have a perfect relationship to be thankful. There is always a reason to thank God for someone in our lives isn't there? And if you no longer have a mom here, tell your Father thank you for all she was and thank Him for filling some of that ache in your heart. Thank Him for the Hope of Heaven when all our longings will be perfected and we will be Home for Thanksgiving forever.
thanks for letting me be make a lot of nonsense
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14 comments:
Excellent post....I know this sounds kinda silly....but I have always been a very obvious "mammas boy" everything you wrote about your mom echos with me in a similar way. Obviously my mom is still with me but I feel the same connections with her as you do. My mom is basically who I am, I am a male version of her. We look the same, have the same personality, sense of humor, and she is my role model. (I hope my dad doesn't read this post, sorry Fred)
I really admire you guys..(Inoue's that is) Your attitude about your mom's passing is so awesome.
Bekah . . .
I feel really privledged for the glimpse into your heart. No apologies needed. I cried as I read it, and now.
Once I was married, living away from my mom was hard . . .with Ava born, it's been much harder. You do crave that daily interaction, source of accessible wisdom and just safety net of having her close by or being able to drop by unexpectedly to let her snuggle her grandkids. I crave the times I know I have coming when I get to be with her and have days I cry that I can't. Yet I'm so aware that you feel that to an even deeper level and that I have the gift of those times still.
At times, although I never had the opportunity of knowing your mom as well as I'd like, from the little time I did, I feel like I still am blessed by her through the glimpses of her I see in you, Heidi and Tami. I can clearly see the fruits of that relationship you described you had with her and I am blessed.
I'll be praying that this Thanksgiving the memories of her bring more warmth than ache.
What a wonderful tribute to you mom, I never knew her personally but many people have told me stories over the years all about how wonderful she was. Thank you for sharing with us.
Thanks Bek for posting...you are so much like Mommy, and I can say that having you and Tam-Tam is the greatest comfort I have had since losing her, because you both have such a part of her, that there is still some familiarity about her in life. I love you and Tam so dearly.
Love you and thinking about you. I think God gave us great sisters, to help with the passing of our moms. Sometimes when I do things as a mother and wife, my dad will remind me that is excatly how your mom would do it and that makes me feel good for some reason. Like Heidi said you are a lot like your mom. She was such a wonderful person to Jason and I when we got engaged.
Rebekah, I hardly know how to comment because I have so much emotion about your blog. I am crying, of course, but also remembering my dear friend. I loved your Mom so much. We could talk about almost anything, and I could get such good advice from her so I totally understand you wanting that again. She was so wise and it seemed like she always had the an answer for me when I asked her advice. I also know she was not perfect and I am not either and we recognized that in each other. Everytime I see one of you girls I think of your Mom. I wish she could see your kids, your marriages, Tami's career, etc, etc. I lost my Dad when I was 20 and when I had Jill it was so hard to know that he would not see his grandkids. It seems like it is harder though with a Mom because a Mom has child rearing, cooking, and other advice to pass on to a daughter. A Mom is also a daughter's friend. I look back in my prayer journels and it brings back memories of the prayers Kathie asked for her daughters and husband.
Thanks for sharing! It really brought me some good memories, made me sad, but also made me anxious to meet her in Heaven.
Love you!
Marcia
Rebekah, thank you for sharing your heart. I am touched by your post.
Whenever I think of your mom, I remember her hugs in church and how she always seemed to have a "pulse" on what was going on with my life. I think what was special about your mom is that she sincerely cared for others. She had a great way of speaking the truth in love.
It is neat to see Heidi's comment, I am so thankful that you have your sisters to share life with. What a precious gift from God. You mom's legacy is honored by the godly woman each one of you have become. I can't help but think that your mom is looking down from the portals of heaven with the "great cloud of witnesses" saying, "keep the faith girls, keep living for Him, it is sooo worth it!" I praise God for the gift of eternal life! What hope!
I love you!
Jill
Hey Rebekah,
It's no surprise that I too am sitting here crying with everyone else. I will never forget the day your mom passed away. It was my first day at my new job at Pii. When I got home from work, Keri Kaeb was waiting for me at the door to tell me what had happened. I think we drove out to your house right away.
Your home was always filled with so much warmth. Even after your mom passed away, when I'd be at your house in Crestwicke, I would half expect her to come around the corner or to find her in the kitchen. Wisdom and godliness just poured from your mom's being. You might be surprised at how many times I wish I could sit down and have one more conversation with her. I think about her so often, grateful for the unconditional love that she showed me. Like Jill said, she had such a gift for "speaking the truth in love."
Thanks for sharing your heart, Rebekah. Your mom was truly loved.
With love,
Alesa
Thank you so much for sharing your heart with us! I know it can be difficult to be so vulnerable, but it helps us to know how to pray for each other! I so wish that I could've known your mom. I have heard so much about her that it almost makes me feel like I know her! I can tell that she was a wonderful Godly woman not only by the testimonies of so many that have already shared, but by seeing the wonderful Godly women that you, Heidi and Tami are. I think of you three girls often and wonder how you are doing. I want you to know that I do pray for you often! I am so thankful that you three have each other. I will continue to be praying for you through the holidays and I pray that it can be a time of thankfulness for the time you did have with your amazing mother! Love you!
Bekah, thanks so much for sharing your heart. I think of you girls so much and wonder how you are doing with your mom gone. I know I didnt talk with her much one on one but I think you would be suprised at the amount of times I wish I could ask her advice on certian things going on in life even right now. My mom also adored your mom and always would say how blessed she was each time she talked with her. Her face and smile are so vivid in my mind and I can remember even without seeing a picture JUST what she looked like. She just radiated the Love of Christ and that made so many of us want gleen from her and that is why we miss her too. I cant even begin to know the void you must feel with her gone. I am so thankful that you girls have such special relationships with each other, that is so awesome that God blessed you with both of them. I love you very much and pray for you often.
Nonsense??? Bekah - there was NO nonsense in your post. It was beautiful! I have a big lump in my throat too just thinking of your mom! I loved her SO much and sometimes still can't believe she's really gone. She always made me feel so loved. Like Alesa said - I will NEVER forget the moment I heard. I love you and your sisters so much! Thanks for sharing your heart!
your post brought tears to my eyes. Your mother was such a sweet lady!!! Thanks for sharing and helping us to be oh so thankful for our mothers...sometimes we take them for granted.
Thanks bek!!!
I think what I miss most about my mom is just being able to share the little things. I guess she was the person I could "show-off" too. I don't usually brag to too many people, but mothers let us get away with that and give the responses we're looking for (just like we do with our kids.) Little things like something new I bought, or the kids did, or a new talent I've worked on. Doesn't seem like I really have any one to do that with now. Another thing that makes me sad about it is realizing that as time continues to pass I don't think about her quite as much. I'm afraid that's because I'm forgetting the little things I've loved about her so much and that's just what I don't want to do.
With love,
Amy Masters
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