The Work of Surrender

As I look back on my life up to this point, there seems to be a common theme or lesson that God is working in me. Surrender. The work of surrender. I say "work" because surrender is so difficult! Doesn't it seem like it should get easier and easier? I have found that I hold onto things and relationships in my life tightly! As a teenager, it was worrying about losing my Mom. In college it was my future. As a newlywed it was Matt and the fear of losing him. As a new mother, having to choose to surrender my child to God...and on and on.

In the last year, I was thinking about surrender and thought to myself, "I think I'm getting used to this surrendering thing because it doesn't seem as hard anymore." But in the past few weeks, God has opened my eyes to see that there is a big difference between surrender and just choosing not to care. I had begun to do the latter. It's easier to choose not to care about someone and their future...because when things don't go the way I hope, then at least I don't have to be hurt. If I don't care, I don't hurt.

Initially, there's a sense of release and relief because the burden of caring for someone can be so heavy. But I've found, that when I choose not to feel emotionally connected to someone in one area to guard my heart from being hurt, it also numbs my heart to the ability to love.

And at times, the potential pain of loving someone and going through hurt with them seems so unbearable that the numbness seems like the better option. At times I've asked myself, "why do I have to feel so much hurt just to love someone?" The human heart is an amazing thing. But I've found that it is incapable of being compartmentalized and still function fully in all areas. When I choose to shut my heart to love someone, it begins to deaden my love for others as well. When I choose not to forgive someone, it becomes difficult to forgive another one that offends me. When I choose to be passive in my feelings to protect myself, I find that I am passive in situations where I would want to have more compassion.

It's for these reasons that I say that surrender is hard work. Surrender is when I choose to love fully and care deeply and still release it to God. To care what the outcome is. To allow my heart to love the person enough to weep with them and rejoice with them. To open my heart to the possibility of pain.

That's a terrifying place to go! But as I look at the times in my life when God has given me the grace to go there, I see that is when I've been changed. It's amazing how the walk up to that cross of surrender is so horrible, but the moment I release my grasp and shudder, "it's Yours", His peace comes through me like a mighty wave crashing into my heart. I weep with the relief and weight that is truly lifted. I see in that moment that I have cast my burden upon One that loves and cares more deeply than I do.

So, why do I feel weak and fearful as I look to the next thing I must surrender? Why is it such a struggle? I think it's because it involves my heart...which means it involves all of me. So, Lord, as I walk with You in this life, and I become fearful of what You will ask me to release, remind me of what I will lose if I don't! Help me when I don't believe....when I think it's better to just not care! Remind me that Your love is always deeper still and when I am in pain, you've experienced it on a deeper level. You are able to bring the greatest comfort in sorrow. You are able to give me the courage to let go. And You flood my life with joy and confidence when I am yielded to Your power. Help me, Jesus, in this work of surrender.



-Rebekah