Five Years Ago...

Yesterday, Matt and I went out to Remington for VBS. As we drove that familiar route I couldn't help but think that it was five years ago today that my Mom was driving that same road. (for those of you who don't want to read a long and possibly sad post stop reading now!! :D...but I just wanted to take time for myself to just write about that day and my thoughts).

It was a Wednesday morning and it was raining. I was 7 months pregnant and we had just signed purchase agreement papers on our new house the night before. Life was good! We were so excited about all the changes in our lives.

Around 11 I went to Champaign for my voice lessons. I then stopped at a store and bought Matt a father's day present. As I was driving home, Matt called my cell phone. I was happy because I had bought him a fun gift and the day had turned sunny and beautiful. He just wanted to make sure I was on my way home. I said I'd be there in about 10 min.

When I drove in, I could see that Matt was waiting for me at the front door. I had no idea how my life was about to change. He told me later that I looked so happy at that moment and it was killing him that he was going to have to take that away. As I walked up to the door I could see that he must have been crying...hard. I said, "what's wrong?". He took my hand and asked me to sit down on the couch with him. At this point, my mind was beginning to race. What could be so wrong? Matt looked at me and said, "There's been an accident....Mommy went home to be with Jesus today." Even as I write this, I am filled again with the feeling of shock and weakness that came over me. Immediately, I had a thousand thoughts rushing through my mind. She's not going to be here for our baby!? I was looking so forward to having her come to our new house and stay with us when Josh was born! How can she be gone? I just talked to her last night on the phone! HOW will I live without her?!?!! I just remember yelling, 'No!! No!! No!!" and then falling against Matt and sobbing. At that moment I felt like I couldn't sob hard enough to express the anguish I was feeling. All the dreams I had had with my mom were suddenly gone forever.

After awhile, Matt told me that he had packed our bags and that we should go to my Dad's house. I remember the drive there, all I could do was cry and sit there in stunned silence. Nothing in life seemed to matter anymore.

As we pulled in, my Dad, Heidi, and Tami were outside. We just wept and held eachother. There weren't any words to be said. My cousin Tara was there too. The poor thing had to be there when my Dad told Heidi and Tami.

It seemed like within minutes, people began to flow to the house. Our neighbor, Cindy, immediately passed the word to all the neighbors. Cindy and Sandy Kupferschmid organized meals coming to our home and took care of all those things so that we didn't have to think about anything like that. I will forever be grateful to them for the love and kindness they showed during that horrible few days. I found out later that Sandy found out at that same time that she had breast cancer...and yet she never said anything to us. She just kept working and serving. She was another amazing lady that will always be missed.

I remember going to bed that night in my old room and laying beside Matt and just sobbing. Life had suddenly become so different. It's amazing how losing a Mom seems to turn your world completely upside down.

The next couple days are a whirlwind in my mind...picking out flowers, the casket, buying the burial spot, what songs should be sung at the funeral, who should preach the sermon?, who will be the pallbearers?...things that didn't seem to matter at that time and I didn't feel like working on...but they needed to be done. We had an absolutely wonderful funeral director, Todd, to work with. He made the whole process so much easier.

It's weird all the thoughts that go through your mind at a time like this. I remember just wracking my brain trying to remember my last conversation with my mom. What had we talked about? My last conversation with her had been on the phone. We had laughed and talked about our new home. She was so excited and couldn't wait to see the inside and help me decorate. I remember our last words were "I love you"...for that I will always be thankful.

Friday was the visitation. I remember walking into church with my Dad and seeing the casket in the distance. I remember I was talking to the funeral director and my Dad began walking over to the casket. I will never forget how his whole body just bent over as he began to weep and weep when he saw her. He just laid his head on the casket and wept. My dad is not an emotional person and to see him so overcome by it was so moving to me. Until that moment, it was like a bad dream that we were going to wake up from and then when we saw her, it all be came reality.

I don't know how people who don't believe in God get through death. He was the only thing we had to cling to at that time. Like Matt said, at that time we were too emotionally exhausted to be learning new truths about God...we just clung to the truths that we had learned about Him in the past. All of the things we had learned about God and His love and compassion came to comfort us during that time.

The love and support we were shown during the visitation was overwhelming. I will not forget how many people came through that line. So many people that I never knew my mom's life had touched. So many acts of kindness she had shown to others that I had never known about. The fact that she had lived much of her life just pouring out love to others became very evident in her death. I was so proud of her and that she had been my mom.

That night before we went to bed, my sisters and i talked about possibly singing a song at my mom's graveside. We didn't know if we could do it or if it would be appropriate. the next morning, we decided we'd do it for her...she had loved to listen to us sing more than almost anybody. We wanted to sing to her one last time.

The funeral was so beautiful and as I've listened to it a couple times since then, it still ministers to me. God was glorified and it was comforting.

When we got to the graveside, the day was so beautiful. The birds were singing, the sky was blue and there was a breeze. It was a day my mom would have loved working out in her flowers. As we sat by the casket, I still was in disbelief that we were actually buring my mom. When the prayer was over we had told Todd that we would be singing a short song. So, he looked at us and we three stood up. My Dad had not been aware that we were going to sing. We sang one of my mom's favorites, "Maybe Some Other Day".

Maybe some other day, I will have more understanding

But while my heart is broken, I'll only trust in Him

For I believe His Word and I know He'll never leave me

Although I feel so alone, I know His arms can reach me

For He will give me wings to soar as an eagle

And I will run and not be weary

I shall walk and not faint

For He will give me wings to soar as an eagle

I remember when we first started singing, I was so full of emotion that I couldn't get any sound to come out of my throat. I just moved my lips and prayed that God would help me sing. when it came to the point where we broke into harmony and my voice mattered, I could sing. I have never felt so carried by God ever in my life. It was like He was just flowing my voice through so I could sing of His faithfulness. It was a special moment for Heidi, Tami and I. It was for my Mom and my Dad...not for anyone else. God spoke to me in that song...He was going to be with us.

I remember that night after a lot of the extended family had left and gone home it was just our family and some of our cousins. I went in and sat at the piano with Matt and we began to play some praise songs. One by one, my sisters and cousins came in and we sang songs together. It sounded beautiful and it was a time my mom would have loved! It brought a feeling of reassurance that we were going to make it and be able to go on.

God has never let us go. There are times still when I miss her so badly I can hardly breathe. She loved us so much and it was wonderful to be loved like that. I wish my kids could experience that love too...to get one of her hugs. One of the things I looke the most forward to about Heaven is getting there...then looking around for her face. When I see her I want to run to her and hug her and tell her how much I missed her and love her.

for now, I'll just be thankful that I had her for as long as I did and that we had such a special relationship.

Mommy, I love you and miss you. Can't wait to see you again!

-bek

(for anyone still reading...sorry about the long post...it was more therapeutic for me I think. )