PDD-NOS

Until recently, I had no idea what those initials stood for. Those six letters had no significance in my life. But now anytime I see that combination of letters I am more attentive and more interested. Why would these letters mean anything to me? Because two of my kids have been diagnosed with PDD-NOS (pervasive developmental disorder not otherwise specified). You can also call it Atypical Autism.

I think any parent can relate to some aspect of worry for their children. And any parent with a child with a developmental disorder can absolutely relate to the concern and fears you go through before a diagnosis...and the grief that comes with a diagnosis. I still remember reading criteria for autism spectrum disorders a couple years ago and seeing warning signs. My stomach just feeling like a lead ball. I would go to bed in a state of anxiety. Then I would see improvements and then the worries would begin to subside...but then other things would trigger concern.

Finally, this past April, we began the process of getting Josh and Darci screened for Autism. In the last two weeks we were given their diagnosis of PDD-NOS. The emotions are all over the place for me. Relief that it is Atypical autism and not classic autism. Sadness that there is a diagnosis at all. Worry of what others will think of them. Sadness that their lives will be harder than I wish they had to be. Mourning for my kids who don't even realize they have a diagnosis.

But through this whole process (even before the screening process began) I have remembered something that my brother-in-law, Andy taught me years ago. He said once that he prays for God to give his children weaknesses that would glorify Him. I remember being impressed by that but being slightly afraid to do the same. But as I began to think it through, it made so much sense. We will all have weaknesses anyway, why not pray that God could be glorified in those areas of our lives rather than it causing us to be drawn away from Him.

When I first was advised that my kids be screened for autism, I was devastated. But the Lord brought to mind again what Andy had said and what God had been teaching me since then. I felt the Lord gently reminding me, "If Josh and Darci are autistic, it's because they will bring me the greatest glory that way".

The truth of that brings me comfort and a sense of wonder as well. But there are still days when I can't help but cry. (I can blame it on pregnancy hormones too I guess).

But in the end, I am so thankful to remember that just because my kids have these six letters associated with them in a file, they are not damaged goods. Something is not "wrong" with them. If I truly believe that God is their Designer (and I do), I find rest in knowing that He knew the way they learn and perceive the world is best for them. He has made them uniquely this way for a reason. These are not mistakes or cruel experiments by an unloving god. Josh and Darci are the beings a loving Father carefully, precisely and intentionally designed.

I don't know what the road ahead holds for our family but I thank God that He knows and is trustworthy.

Thanks for letting me share,
Bek